


Too late

by Alpha_Mu



Series: A woman in love [1]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Loss, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-07
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2019-06-06 15:37:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15197912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alpha_Mu/pseuds/Alpha_Mu
Summary: Voyager has made her final landing and Kathryn Janeway has realised too late that home isn't merely a location on a map anymore.





	Too late

**Author's Note:**

> I guess this is my first attempt at flash fiction. Kind of. Although it's probably not technically flash. It's just short... Does that count? Lol. 
> 
> I still want to add to Where the Forest Still Reigns but time is short between going to work and looking after a toddler who has recently decided that sleep is for losers. 
> 
> I want to get better. Feedback, comments and Kudos very much appreciated!

She was never built to be here but here she will stay. It feels wrong. The light streaming through the windows of her ready room is testament to the contrast from the way things have been over the last seven years. The light is golden in a way that would usually remind her of the corn fields of her youth but despite its palpable warmth she feels cold inside as she prepares to make the announcement. 

If the doctor were to run his tricorder over her now she is sure that he would find that her heart had literally withered like the last rose of summer- fragile petals flaking to scorched and cracked earth that craves the first downpours of the fall. There would be no quenching of her thirst now though. Perhaps that would explain the chill coursing through her veins and part of her takes comfort in the idea that the way she is feeling could be explained by some physiological anomaly. 

Alluring as the idea may be she knows the truth. She has been here before and the feeling of the claws of grief scraping along the inside of her ribs and ever so often ripping at her stomach are painfully familiar. How will she explain it now though? No one is dead. No one will understand. She is home. Only she doesn't know where home is anymore. 

She has walked the dark labyrinth of her mind so many times in these past days. The twists and turns and dead ends taunting her. Sleep eluding her. Joy taking its leave of her at this, the most unexpected of times. Finally she had reached the centre. Finally she had allowed herself to see the truth that had sparked in her doppelgangers tired eyes. She was a woman in love. And she had realised too late. 

Weary arms push her up from her chair. She knows this will be the last time she will make this walk but she can't bring herself to care in the way she knows she should. She has become but a husk and she only hopes that her command mask can carry her through the next few hours. That's what she was trained to do, to sublimate emotions and base desires into the higher calling, to seek out new life and new civilizations. In this moment though the personal cost feels too high. 

She pauses just shy of the invisible line that will trigger the door and sucks in a quivering breath. Then onwards. Smile in place. Now or never. Harry Kim announces her onto the bridge with such enthusiasm that she almost jumps. Almost. He's a good boy, she thinks as she calls for her beaming crew to stand at ease. There are more of them here than usual, every station manned, all clamouring to get a glimpse of what lies outside. The forward transparency shows a sweeping vista of San Francisco. It should be beautiful, but her eyes can't see it. 

She misses the hum and vibration of the warp core. Her ship might look the same but it feels different without the vast emptiness of space beyond the hull. The natural gravity of earth feels heavy and weighs on her shoulders and fatigues her in a way that even the burden of commanding a stranded ship never did. 

For so long she has wanted this. For so long she thought this would fix her. She thought that this day would bring atonement- her burden would be eased, her task fulfilled. She never expected to feel even more lost once she reached her final destination. But then again she never expected to find anything out there in the perpetual darkness that would shine a light on the places inside her that she had kept shut away for so long. 

The hand of grief twists in her chest as she catches a flick of blonde hair out of the corner of her eye, a spiny claw driving slowly into her heart as she notices the strong tanned hand of her first officer pull the object of her affection close to his side. He's clearly decided that protocol can be dammed. If she allowed herself the same luxury at this moment she can't say what would transpire. 

Her voice sounds hollow as she speaks over the ship wide intercom. The words feel meaningless. It all feels meaningless. She knows that they're the right words but she feels like a ghost. She's going through the motions and she wonders if they can tell. They laugh in all the right places, she sees some of them cry in all the right places. Their smiles remind her what this moment means and she forces her face to contort into a facsimile of their happiness. 

When it's over they make their way to the ramp where they will all disembark this final time. Chakotay takes his place at her side for this, their last duty aboard the ship that had done the impossible. His strong and steady presence was once a source of comfort but now she imagines his hands moving over pale skin and wishes that she could put some distance between them.

The more hands she shakes the harder it is to contain the emotion. She knows no one would think less of her if she let it show and command presence means nothing anymore when these people aren't working under her for a moment longer. She knows though that if she cracks then it will burst forth in a torrent and once it starts experience tells her it will be too hard to stop. 

Finally it is only Chakotay and Seven left beside her. She forces herself to pull the man close, he has been so much to her and she can't punish him now for doing what she couldn't. She wanted to leave Seven until last though so as not to sully their goodbye by overlaying it with another immediately. 

To her surprise the blonde steps into her embrace without hesitation, returning it in kind. When they break apart she allows her fingers to trace the metal of the taller woman's ocular implant as she tries to memorise her face. The metal feels warm and soft and the former Borg sucks in an almost inaudible gasp at the contact, warm breath whispering over her inner wrist like a caress. She knows she's overstepping the mark, she can feel Chakotay’s eyes boring into her. He must see it. She's given herself away, but she couldn't deny herself this opportunity. 

As quickly as it began it's over, masculine arms claiming their prize, dark eyes sweeping over her with barely veiled suspicion. She's too exhausted to care anymore, the claws inside her chest making short work of shredding her soft viscera into wounds that will never bleed. As she watches the couple retreat down the ramp ice blue eyes glance over a shoulder one final time meeting her watery gaze. For a moment she thinks the other woman will stop and return to her but the hand she holds pulls her forward and then they are gone.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm usually a sucker for a happy ending so this is a break away for me. For the time being at least. I strongly suspect there will be a follow up! I don't think I can leave it like that. I can't do that to our ladies. 
> 
> Let me know your thoughts.


End file.
